Please pardon all the “fuck”s that will appear here. It shall be a necessary evil for now.
To avoid confusion, here’s the definition of ‘mindfuck’ from Urban Dictionary:
1) A process of raping your intelligence; never accompanied by a pre-lubricant; doesn’t leave you with an endorphine high and craving a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich or a cigarette. Rarely are dinner and drinks bought for you before or after the act; most often tried on an unsuspecting victim,penetration has less friction; the perpetrator will rarely call you the next day; A passive-agressive way to get their money shot, no happy ending for you.
A few days ago, at my first Intercultural Communications tutorial, we were told to introduce ourselves to the class and sorta “sell yourself to the class” ‘cos we need to form groups for a project.
So I said that I’m a paranoid person, especially when deadlines are drawing near. That’s an asset, right?
The tutor asked if I’m a perfectionist, and I said yes even though I don’t think so. At least, I don’t consciously STRIVE to be the best. I don’t have that kind of motivation and energy anyway.
Subsequently, I started thinking about myself. I recalled that in JC, my friends used to call me ‘kan cheong spider’.
(click to enlarge or click here)
I guess I’m just a neurotic freak. I worry about a lot of nitty-gritty things. For instance, when I go out to meet my bf, I will wanna make sure we get the movie tickets first before doing any other things even though we have a lot of time.
Or, when doing group work, I literally mindfuck my group mates. At least, one close enough group mate told me that I kept mindfucking him over the MSN project ‘discussion’. He had to keep telling me not to worry so much. And I would raise the same issue again after 5 3 minutes, and maybe another new issue minutes later. Funny, he did look very tired the next day I saw him. Oops.
But to be fair, not only do I mindfuck people around me, I mindfuck myself too. I guess, I’m probably the biggest victim of my mindfucks.
Sometimes, my thoughts would run wild and I have all groundless nonsense making me feel uneasy even though everything is nice and dainty. However, everything after I speak to *him*, or to even receive a mere SMS, I will feel safe and assured again, even though I didn’t mention my neurotic thoughts.
Looks like I need to learn not to think so much about things..
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Mindfuck myself no more!
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(what a handful good movies to watch these days! Final Destination in 3D. Godddddd)
